If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
