who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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