the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Nicole vs. Life
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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