Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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