Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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