I can text with my tongue
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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