conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
