Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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