I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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