Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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