its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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