Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
