So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
