My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
