8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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