Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
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