Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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