she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
