Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
