He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
