I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
