New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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