another moral hangover. fuck.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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