i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
