I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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