Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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