Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
