dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
