So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the condom got lost in my hair
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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