maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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