When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
are you so shy because you have an std?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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