Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
