You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
