No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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