Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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