got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
