I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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