Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
