Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
