Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
