You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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