Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
