Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
