omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
