I think i peed on brittanys purse
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
