I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
