I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's shark week go big or go home
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
