I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
