she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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