one two three fourrrrnication!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I forget how to act sober
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
